I am so anxious right now that I am shaking. I have to reach my attorney, but always have a hard time catching up with her. She was supposed to fax some documents to the oldest's attorney. It seems that she has lost one of the more important documents that I gave her from the previous case. I'm upset about that, but also very upset about the youngest because she is supposed to have her two weeks in August with her father. He has never made them come to weekend visitation until just now (because of his court mode). Prior to this August, in the 10 years that we have been apart, he has never once taken either of them in the summer. The oldest will be coming to my house during the two weeks. Neither child wants this. I am so frustrated trying to help the younger one. Her father will not listen to her feelings and if he actually pays attention for a moment, he blames me for her feelings or tells her she doesn't really feel that way. She told him she was afraid of his wife's dog (a doberman who has bitten children) and he told her she wasn't because he had seen her pet the dog. She told him that she tries to be friends with the dog so it won't hurt her, but he didn't believe that either. I suppose I am to blame. I have never told her the dog will hurt her. When she has expressed fear to me, I have told her to be confident around the dog and not to bother it when it is eating or chewing a toy or bone. I have also told both of my children that they should never bother a dog when it is eating or chewing on something. Even well tempered dogs can become aggressive over something they want. She won't even walk into his house without knocking and having someone let her in. Also, she feels that her father doesn't love her. I have tried to let her know she is very loved by both of us, but his actions speak louder than his words and she sees that he treats her differently than her sister or step brother. He paid half for her sister to rent a flute when the one I bought her was giving her trouble. When it was time for the younger one to be in band, he wouldn't pay anything. My sister and I purchased her sax and he was supposed to pay his half back to my sister about 2 years ago. At Christmas, she gets less than her sister or her step brother. She can add and isn't stupid. He hates that she cries because it gets on his nerves. She is a sensitive child and he yells at her for crying. Meanwhile, her older sister can sit around and yell and scream and nag her father to the point that he gives her what she wants. The step mother perfers the older one. She has even told me that much. I do not repeat any of these things to the youngest because I don't want her to become insecure or to feel even more strongly that she isn't loved over there. The thing is, she is one of the kindest, caring and thoughtful child I have ever known. I have never had to do more than a time out with her. Even when she is acting up, she frequently puts herself on time out and comes and tells me she is sorry after some time to cool off. I love her older sister just as much. I do have a hard time with her though. She is oppositional defiant and a handfull. She and I were once very close until she learned that by moving to my mom's or her dad's got her what she wanted. I am still trying to get into family therapy with her, but it is difficult because the other therapist only wanted to do individual therapy with her and I feel that we need to mend our relationship. I have set up an appointment for the youngest so she can work through her feelings regarding her father. She is so afraid that, if she talks to him honestly, he will go to court and try to take her. I don't know where she came up with that, but I guess she sees the way he is dragging her sister through the court system and has fear that it might come down to her getting caught up in the mess as well. I'm to the point that I can't even force her to visit her father. I will tell her that it is his time and he wants to see her, but I won't lie to her and say that I want her to go. That is what he wants me to do. I have never lied to her and I am not going to start now. If he wants her, he will have to come and actually talk to her and get her into the car. I won't be the bad guy. It would be different if he was a father that I respected or had any degree of trust in, but he has proven time and again that he isn't willing to look after her best interests. There was something serious that happened in his care years ago and he made her take everything she said back and never bring it up again. I took her to a special therapist, but she was too afraid to talk. He is such a sick and cruel person. He can't see beyond what is best for him. The only reason he wants the oldest, rather than let her cool down at my mom's for a while is he finally has found a way to cut his support. He will try for the youngest when the time is right as well. Right now, he knows she is very attached to me, but when she is a teen and starts to play both ends against the middle (well, if she does that), he will promise anything to get her to move in with him at that time. I cannot lose both of my girls to him. All I wanted in life was to be a mother. I wanted to be home with my kids and have time to enjoy them before they were grown up. The time goes so fast. He didn't even want kids. He wanted me to abort the oldest and has tried to give me the youngest on numerous occasions. I told him that she deserved a father and that, no matter how weak his bond was with her, he needed to be her father and be in her life. Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing.

Have to go to Court on Friday about the oldest and the temporary change of custody. I know they want full physical custody of her, but I'm not sure how willing I am to let her make this decision with the knats in her ear. The thing that worries me is that, if I try to hold onto her, she may resent me more and if she were to come home now, it could damage our relationship and damage her sister as well. There is no simple solution. I wish there was. I just keep fighting for what I think is best for both of my children.

It's been awhile again since I've been able to have any time to have privacy on the computer. I'm not having a good day. There is so much new going on with the kids and their father, my finances are a wreck and I think I ended the relationship I have been in for the past 7 months. I don't care too much about that at the moment because of all of the other stuff going on, but I am very angry that he felt the need to explain every single thing that he felt I was not doing in accordance with his standards. He sees the world in black and white and fails to see the gray in between. My life isn't exactly what a lot of people would find "normal". I have a very close family and they are generous with me. They have always been this way. Of course, when they need something, I am there for them as well. Right now, I don't know how I can have maintain an actual job because of the time I have to spend on the situation with the kids, the time I need to give to help my sister because she lives at my mom's house and mom isn't doing so well, the fact that I get very stressed when I have to rush around and not stressed like most people, but I have suffered depression and panic attacks that leave me unable to even care for stuff around my home. I have been told by several doctors and my attorney that I should apply for disability, but have tried to avoid that. Now, I am going to have to apply and also apply for other aid as well. I don't see anything wrong with getting help when I need it, but I didn't (and this is totally stupid) know how the boyfriend would react. He feels that I am not responsible and that I use my family. I thought his reaction to recieving aid of any sort would be extremely dramatic. I have finally come to the conclusion that I simply don't care about becoming his clone anymore. If he wants to stay with me because he cares for me, he will have to learn to accept me as I am. For the record, I have never used my family. I love my family very much. There have been many times that I have been there and did things for them when they have had hard times. I don't know why I have even bothered to defend myself to someone who has only known me for 7 months. Usually that would be a long time, but he lives pretty far away from me and we only see each other on weekends. There are times that we don't even have the weekends either. He is in the military and has been away from time to time. Also, he likes to have some independence and spend time with his friends, so I have never said a word about weekends that he stays home to do his own thing. By the way, one would think that there would be times that I would be with him and his friends. His best friends are a married couple. I found out last night that he won't bring a girlfriend around his friends unless he is sure it is a permanant relationship. His family live in the south, so I have not met any of them either. In fact, I don't think most of them even know I exist. I did meet his two kids this week. They are wonderful, well behaved kids. I had a ball with them. Of course there had to be something that I did wrong. No conversation would be complete without that. Evidentally, I manipulated him by asking him things in front of his kids. I was unaware I was doing that, but whatever. That was really the straw that broke the camels back. I didn't get too angry at the other things he wanted to "fix" about me, but when someone thinks that I would stoop to behavior that I find to be totally against my morals, I have a huge problem with them. I will never allow anyone to suggest anything about my personality that would challenge my moral beliefs. I don't manipulate people, I don't lie (maybe some little white ones to spare someone's feelings, but don't like that either), I am kind and compassionate to everyone I meet and I treat the people in my life the way I want to be treated. No matter what my day is like, I can sleep at night with the knowledge that I have not sought to do harm to anyone. I most certainly would not use someone having their kids with them to get my way. I'm guilty of that because he doesn't like my driving and several months ago said he would never let his kids ride with me. I had to run right down the road to pick up the stuff for dinner that his kids wanted. His daughter asked me if she could come. I simply said she would need to ask her daddy. I was supposed to tell her no because her daddy doesn't trust my driving based on my backing partly out of the driveway so he could park his boat there. Forget that. I'm not telling someone else's kid that I am not allowed to drive them. He is the parent and he can be the one to let them know that. I have never even met his kids until a few days ago. I didn't feel comfortable going into all of that with one of them. I would feel horrible for my kids having to possibly lose someone that they cared about, but my youngest felt very proud of me for taking a stand and letting him know that if he wanted a relationship with me, it was he who needed to do some changing and self reflection and I would not continue to see him if he continued the same attitude toward me.

I haven't been able to post anything in a while. I have been staying with my mom and sister. There was so much they needed done. My sister and her husband had a huge 4th party. My mom still isn't feeling much better.

Things are getting more complicated. The ex cut my child support from $1076/month to $404/month. He did it on his own. The court wasn't involved. When I called him about the difference in the check, he said he would leave it that way until a judge said different. He also threatened to "take" my youngest. Finally, and this is very disturbing to me, he offered to buy then for $10,000. No amount of money would ever make me give someone my kids. I do find it interesting that he would save quite a bit of money in the long run doing it that way.

The little one doesn't want to go over there much anymore. I feel so sorry for her. I am trying to get the visitation reduced. This is already become very expensive. I work for my brother in law and my sister because in this situation, I can't get a regular job. I would have to take too much time off for appointments. If I had been with a company for several years, I could see them letting me go, but to walk into somewhere new and need time for at least three appointments/week would probably get old fast.

The older daughter has been spending more time with me, but I think he is using her to get to her sister. She has all of the information from the previous case and is getting all the information on this one. She says she just finds them, but in the five years since the last battle, I find it hard to believe she never "found" them when she was at his house before. I have a very difficult time disliking people and usually see the good in everyone, but I am beginning to truly hate their dad. I would never let the kids know that and I am polite to him when I see him around the kids, but I just hate him so much for putting them through this again. This is the second time. I figure I'll probably "win" in court, but I have a feeling it won't stop there. He will likely go after the little one once she is more independent. He has almost no rules, buys presents and his wife bends over backward to please the oldest. My little one doesn't understand why her sister has so much freedom and gets presents a lot.

I am so tired and stressed. I don't sleep much and I feel worn out. I just don't know what I can do right now, until we end up in court. I have enjoyed spending some time with the oldest. I make extra time for the little one because she feels sad that so much time goes into appointments and running errands. I take her to the mall and other places she likes. I don't want her to have a messed up summer due to this.

The past few days have gotten worse and worse as each minute passes. I have noticed that, there are such kind and wonderful people out there who give of themselves and make days like these not as horrible. It is those special people who, not by doing anything for me, but just witnessing their kindness and compasion make me know I will be able to get through all of this. Maybe they are angels. I think, that without seeing kindness around me, I would have a poor outlook on things.

I'm trying to write a condensed version of the past days, but am at a loss as to where to start. I would have to get out my giant journal and my other journal where I document everything about the custody stuff to get it in order. I don't even remember what I wrote last night and don't want to repeat myself, so I'll mostly stick to today.

After almost no sleep, I got a call from my sister about my mom. My mother, a woman who never makes any type of a scene, was ready to pull her IV out and wait in the lobby for a ride. She wasn't losing her mind, she was fed up. In three days, she was not allowed to eat, drink or even munch on a few ice chips. Her admitting Dr. is an excellent physician and he is devoted to his patients. When he admitted her, she was to have nothing but an IV because they were concerned about an obstruction. They ruled that out before she was even in her room. The next day, her Dr was away and she was turned over to an intern. This quack wouldn't allow food either. Here's the thing. I get it if there is a chance of emergency surgery, a real possibility of an obstruction, tests that are fasting and I'm sure lots of other medical reasons that don't apply to my mom. I do not get why a 78 year old cancer patient who was more than likely suffering from the radiation would be kept with no food or liquid. My feeling about this whole fiasco is they needed to s**t or get off the pot. Either run every test they could think of, open her up and explore or allow her to eat. My dear brother in law, who sadly didn't admit her this time, tried to order food for her. He had seen all of the tests, talked with all the doctors involved and decided that allowing her something to eat and/or drink would demonstrate if she was able to hold it down or if more drastic steps needed to be taken. She got food, but the intern called at the right time, found out about the order and made the nurse remove the food from her. I have soooooo much respect for the medical profession and this is the first time I have ever lost my patience with my loved one's care (other than blatent errors usually made by nurses who are way too overworked). I also found myself in a situation where, instead of just sitting and comforting my mother, I was forced to enlist charge nurses from various shifts and floor nurses because my evil, sneaky, selfish, devious, cruel ex with his sick and demented mind, walked to my mom's room and her nursing station and grilled her nurses while allowing them to believe he was her loving son in law. Just writing this makes me want to physically wound the man. I never would and am not a violent person in the least. The thing is he was on the phone with me and I explained at length that my mom was not well, didn't want visitors and my daughter was welcome to wait in a safe place in the hospital for me to get there and take her to visit her Nana. Normally, I would have no problem with him walking her to the floor, pointing the way and letting her go in and visit. With all that is going on, it was my mother's wishes that my sister or myself go in with her and get a feel for her mood at the time because the poor woman could not handle any stress. He knew he was wrong and stayed on the phone letting me know exactly where he was until he started to talk to her nurse. My sister and I had to take off on a mad rush to the hospital because if he walked into that room, my mother would have lost it and he would have been taken out of there by security guards.....not something I want my child to see. How dare he involve himself in a family situation so that he could use it against me. Found out he didn't believe me that she was actually sick and wanted to advise his attorney that I was in some weird, twisted way trying to sneak time with both of my girls. Who thinks that way? My brother in law intercepted him. The spawn of Satan then had the nerve to try to grill him....my family member. Nick (brother in law) told him he would never reveal a single bit of information to him about any member of our family and told him to leave him alone and not to approach him outside of the times they need to talk about the girls' care again. I just keep being amazed at what he will do. The thing is, I am a trusting person by nature. I don't look for the bad in people. I look for the good. I don't know how to turn that off when I need to. I keep thinking there is some good in there somewhere. I want so much to find it. It saddens me to have to view someone the way I now view him and his wife. They will really stop at nothing to get their way and I don't know what they are really hoping to accomplish. I don't fight them. I love my girls and take care of them no matter what I am going through. They are my life and I want to see them happy. I will not buy them though and I won't badmouth someone they love so I can gain some degree of control over them. I have taught them to think for themselves, to never allow anyone to hurt them, kindness, compassion and thoughtfullness. I have not done that with lectures. I taught them by example. He just undoes it with the oldest. She has such a huge and kind heart and is hurting. Today, she cried several times. She was confused and told me that. She does miss me and my family. I think, seeing her Nana so sad and sick, she was brought back to some degree of reality. It is killing me that she is back there with him and wifey so they can manipulate her and make her doubt what is in her heart. I do have a different perspective of this situation now though. I believe that she will come around unless he tries to block contact. I saw her sweet, kind, nurturing side today for the first time in a while. I want my baby back. I know I will stay strong and fight with all I have to protect my girls. As far as the little one, she has been wonderful. She is still worried at times and much more clingy, but she made me so proud. Both of them did. We were in that hospital room most of the day and evening and they did not complain or act up one time. They were quiet and respectful of my mom and of anyone else in the hospital. I am so happy to see and feel that I have done lots of the right things with them because I see the outcome of what I have taught them. They may be only children and definitely they have bad days and don't seem to get things, but when it comes down to it, I now know they have noticed and paid attention giving them the ability to grow up and treat others well.

I have gone on a lot longer than intended...again. I guess I just need to deal with the range of feelings I am having. I feel so hopeless at times and so lonely and sad that I don't think I can go on (not in a go on with life way). I feel like grabbing a few things, hopping on a plan to the most remote and isolated place I can find. Moments later, I am moved and feel so fortunate because of the good and the beauty that is all around. I am blessed in so many ways. It is amazing that when things are looking bad, so many people (including myself) forget all of the good and focus only on the bad. I have started to try to never take the good for granted. Life is too short. I spend a lot of time on the phone to handle all sorts of things for myself and my family and I have found that one little thing makes my day and someone else's at the same time. When I get a customer service rep who is patient and shows a willingness to help to the best of their ability, I find out how to reach the highest boss they have and I tell that person that they are so blessed to have an employee who demonstrates care and integrity and a willingness to commit themselves to the position they hold. These people are nearly speechless. All they normally hear are the bad experiences. If everyone took the time to show they notice the good in people, the world would be such a better place. Right now, I need to hold on to the possitive and let the negative go if it isn't harmful to someone. All of my negative feelings are tied up with one man and his wife and I don't think I can handle any more.

Hope anyone who reads this knows that in some ways, this blog is a place that I vent and let out my feelings, but it is also meant to let others know that I totally understand how difficult life can get. If anyone needs to share their problems or sorrows, I will listen and offer any support I can.

Goodnight.....

My little one wakened me this morning because I didn't hear my phone and my sister called hers to let me know my mom had to go to the ER. I was going to head up there, but found out that I couldn't take her with me because there are no kids allowed in the ER. I didn't have anyone to watch her, so I have been waiting all day to go up and see my mom. They are taking her to a regular room soon. She had to be admitted, so we will be up there most of the night. I had to cancel an appointment with the therapist that my oldest daughter and I are going to. At the time that I cancelled it, I thought I would be at the hospital. I'm very worried about my mom. She has cancer. They can't find the primary, but she has mets to some lymph nodes that are near, of all things, her liver and her pancreas. She has had colon cancer and bladder cancer. The colon cancer doesn't appear to have come back and spread and the cells in the "new" cancer don't match the cells from her colon cancer. They don't think it's a recurrance of the bladder cancer either. They spent so much time looking for the primary that the cancer doubled in size over the course of a month. They need to find out where it is coming from so they know the right kind of chemo to give her. They did, however, start her on radiation on Monday. It is starting to look as though this is a much more aggressive cancer than they originally thought. We had hoped that it was a slow growing and non aggressive type of cancer. At first, it appeared to be slow and non-aggressive. She is so scared and worries so much about being a burden to my sister and me. She could never be a burden. We love her so much and would do anything for her. I don't want to see her give up. My dad also had cancer, but he was very strong and brave and didn't give up. When he finally did pass away, it was not from the cancer. He had half a lung removed, recieved radiation and took part in a new chemo for lung cancer patients. It isn't that my mom isn't brave and strong, she is, but in a different way than my father. She makes me concerned because, since she has a much different point of view than my daddy, I get afraid she will give up. I know she wants to live, but I think she will become depressed at not being able to do the things she wants to do until she is recovered from the radiation and chemo. I keep reassuring her that, I could never look at her as a burden. I also tell her that she isn't herself right now and has a medical reason why she isn't. I want her to look at this as temporary. She is such a wonderful woman. She is always there for me and the girls. She always has been. I really don't know how I will handle things if she isn't around. The girls need me, but I still miss my daddy so very much. I'm sure I would find the strength. I just do not want to see her in pain and suffering. That was the most difficult thing to see with daddy. I know we all lose our parents someday, but I don't want to watch both of mine deteriorate and waste away. I will accept the cards I'm dealt and will be there for her every step along the way, but I just hope and pray they are able to stop this cancer or even cure it. Today has been quiet where the girls are concerned. I called the oldest to let her know about the therapy appointment and tell her that Nana was at the hospital. At first, she was only concerned about her hair appointment, but then, I guess what I said sunk in and she actually became concerned about my mother. She has called several times today to check in and I'm going to pick her up once my mom is settled in a room so they can visit. The little one has just been bored while we are waiting to go to the hospital. Had to talk to the ex about getting Courntey to take her to see my mom and he was a bit more considerate on the phone than usual. He even said Taylor could stay home this weekend and just spend Sunday night with him. It is hard for me to stay angry with him. I know what he is doing and I know he is sneaky, but I have a very difficult time holding onto anger and holding a grudge is almost impossible for me. I don't even know if it is possible. I have never held contempt for anyone. Even as much as he and his wife put me through before, I forgave them and reached out to them when the court battle was done. I sometimes think that is a very bad trait. Usually, I am glad I'm that way because it is what I believe God wants from us...He wants us to forgive. The only thing is, once I forgive, I can all too easily forget as well. I was so blindsided by the new custody stuff because I never saw it coming since I had opened my heart to them and didn't think they would hurt me again. At that point, I thought I was a total idiot and hated myself for letting them in. I have to leave for the hospital soon. I hope mom has a room by the time I get up there. Aside from her cancer, she has diverticulitis and that might be responsible for the symptoms she is now having. I'm just praying it isn't something surgical because she is so afraid of anesthesia and because, at 78, I hate to see her go into surgery unless it is an emergency. PS...I think my spelling is off today, but couldn't get the spellcheck to work.